What's that Sadie? You want me to get up? NO. HAH. How'd ya like that?
Well, maybe I wouldn't be so cranky if you hadn't spent the hour of 5 BLOODY AM shuffling your litter and kitty waste so loudly it sounded like there was a backhoe in my bathroom. Really Sadie, why must you incessantly paw at your litter so much? For one, it's gross-- that is your POOP in there, and cats are supposed to be a clean and relatively low-maintenance species. YOU ARE PAWING YOUR NOSE AT YOUR GENETIC HERITAGE, SADIE. For another thing, it's totally futile. I learned the hard way that even though you are a small cat, you require a litter box roughly the size of Rhode Island with a snap-on rim that is almost taller than you. Ain't no litter escaping on my watch, girl. So please stop trying to free it, especially when it's still dark outside.
I said go away! I know my alarm has been going off every seven minutes for the last hour, but that is no reason to try and bite off my toes, currently the only part of my body not swaddled in my fluffy down comforter. You don't even freak out when I vacuum, so why does my alarm cause such an insane, violent reaction? I know it's annoying, but, if you didn't get the memo, YOU'RE A CAT. This is not supposed to bother you like it bothers my old human roommates, one of the benefits of living alone (besides using five pots at a time to create a new risotto recipe and the ability to sing really loudly while doing so without the fear that someone will be peeping around the kitchen wall and laughing at you, ahem).
What's this? Your fur is all wet! You are covered with little speckly drops! That had better be water, because this duvet cover is Pottery Barn and I have no way to do laundry for at least another two days. Oh Lord, Sadie, were you just in the shower?? You're a cat! You hate water! You shun it in all its forms, save safely sipping it from your purple plastic bowl! Are you seriously employing metaphor to urge me from my lazy sleep? Are you trying to tell me "Woman! If I can get in the shower, you can get in the shower. Now get up, because you've slept in too late and if you get fired you won't be able to buy me cat food, bitch!"
Fine. I'm up, I said I'm up! But you are NOT getting a goodbye cuddle this morning.