Wednesday, May 02, 2007

MC with the hispanic guy on the bike who grabbed my ass last night

I saw you furiously pedaling down 16th Street north of Adams Morgan last night, moments after you languidly biked up behind me and grabbed my ass.

I ask you, why run away so quickly? The deliberateness of your act signaled to me that you felt we shared something really special. For a simple ass-grabbing you really took your time, generously cupping your fingers around my right butt cheek and taking the extra second to poke dangerously close to my Secret Lady Places. That's the kind of effort that tells a girl "I care."

Likewise, when you uttered "heh" under your breath at the exact moment your hand made contact with my ass, I know what you really meant to say was "I respect and value your personhood. You have important contributions to make to the world that go far beyond your rockin' ass. You are an individual who matters and I would never objectify, humiliate or assault you."

It was a shame that our contact was so brief. Perhaps as you rode up and prepared to grope me you overheard me talking to my father on my cell phone. If so, I completely understand-- it's way too soon to meet the parents. I don't want to pressure you.

I hope that you didn't misinterpret my reaction to your loving caresses. When I screamed at your retreating form "Who the fuck do you think you are, asshole?!" I didn't mean it in a mean way. By yelling "come back here and try that again without your little tricycle, you pansy-ass motherfucker" I merely meant to suggest that if we were to do this again sometime, you might want to consider alternative forms of transportation. Cars on 16th Street are very aggressive, and those Maryland drivers do not always watch the road the way they should.

In conclusion, I know that we are probably not meant to be-- after all, I'm a hot girl who owns her own home and has a job, you're a degenerate middle-aged man who rides a bicycle, gets his rocks off on assaulting strange women and probably has private parts that can only be viewed with high-powered microscope equipment. *Sigh* That old song again.

If, by chance we are lucky enough to meet again, I hope you don't flee so quickly. I'd love to chat this time, maybe get to know each other a little better. Where I come from, I do that by pushing men into southbound traffic. It'll be so special.

31 comments:

bettyjoan said...

The perfect end to a perfect evening, I'd say. Gotta love twilight in the barrio! Seriously, funniest. Post. EVER.

Ar-Jew-Tino said...

Sounds like you met a keeper. I suggest you go to couples counseling and sort out your issues.

Freckled said...

Ooooh...yucky. I hope all the tequila took a bit of the sting out.

I've been grabbed by a stranger from the front before. Mr. Classy punctuated his squeezing by saying, "Honk. Honk."

Jo said...

On a more positive note, he liked your ass enough to go out of his way to grab it. I'd say that was positive right?

HomeImprovementNinja said...

I'm not enamoured with your sarcasm there, missy. Judging from his actions he was both single and interested. Half the women in DC complain that they can't find a man and all you have to do is walk down the street anytime during the day or night and they can't keep their hands offa' you.

EJ Takes Life said...

You guys are so smart. If only my judgment hadn't been clouded by Betty Joan's happy hour, I could have told him how lucky I felt that he found me! I knew that third margarita would get me in trouble...

Hey Pretty said...

Wow, I hope he has a brother you can set me up with. Then we can double date! Oh, the times we'll have!

S said...

i expect this to be moved in to "ej's greatest hits" asap.

he's a keeper, a real keeper. b & i can't wait to have you two over for dinner. we've been saving that michigan raspberry port for a special occasion, after all...

E :) said...

It's nice to see that there are still some truly charming gentlemen around.

Marcel Parcells said...

The drive-by ass grab is an ok move, but I prefer to do it with a rose between my teeth. I think it adds a touch of class.

Ryane said...

HAHA. Yeah, I mean seriously, EJ. This guy sounded like a real keeper.


EWEWEW. Gross, disgusting and rank. What an ass! But your post was hilarious...=-)

Kristin said...

That's. So. Awesome.

Khaan said...

Beautifully, beautifully written. Never seen anything like it. One question: why was it necessary to identify him as Hispanic? Would it not have been sufficient to simply identify as a man, a guy? If he were white, would you have used "MC with the white guy on the bike who grabbed my ass last night"? Maybe you are just into that sort of thing, given your self-identity as "an educated white girl." And your audience does seem to like thie branding as well, with the posted references to "barrio," and "margarita". Fight sexism with racism. New twist. Very classy, especially coming from a "twentysomething educated white girl" righteously smack-downing a "middle-aged Hispanic guy" who does not have a car, must ride a bike, and probably doesn't have a job. Yes, fight sexism with racism, physical assault with verbal assault, and throw a little age and class bias to boot. Yeah. Classy.

I-66 said...

You evidently have never read a craigslist missed connection.

EJ Takes Life said...

Khaan--

I get what you are trying to say, and I thought about whether it was necessary myself. First, my whole "it's so hard to be an educated white girl" schtick is meant to be an acknowledgement that people like me, who are educated and of a race and generation that gives us access to certain privileges and lifestyles really don't have it that bad at all-- and that it's really pretty silly that a bunch of us write blogs where we complain about our problems. I thought that was fairly obvious, but apparently not.

Secondly, I happened drink margaritas that night. This was not meant to be a political statement; it was warm and breezy and I felt like some tequila and triple sec.

So why did I identify him as hispanic in the title (and nowhere else, I might add)? Because I couldn't identify any other characteristics. Since it was dark and he came up from behind me, I could approximately gauge his race and age as he biked away, but that's about it. Your knee-jerk reaction to my identification of a race tells more about race-based assumptions than I ever could. I don't consider the fact that he was hispanic any more relevant than I do the fact he was on a bike, or that he was a male. It was just the only somewhat distinguishing trait I could identify (although, since I'm one of two white people who currently live on my block, I don't know how distinguishing it actually is).

If, however, he chooses to take me up on my offer to meet again, I'll be sure to apologize to him for unfair singling out of race, and assure him that he is a jackass solely because of the content of his character.

And for the record, Khaan, the second that a man-- any man, regardless of color-- assaults a woman, he gives up the right to be treated with respect, understanding or dignity. What he did to me was (luckily) not violent or scarring, but don't you misunderstand me for one second- it was assault. I am under no obligation to make allowances for him or to listen to any excuse or defense for his behavior.

Lillian said...

Sorry, Khaan. I dunno, maybe I'm consistently screwed up, but I tend to notice what type of guy grabs my ass. Race has nothing to do with it, and if a hand--white, brown, or black--finds itself grabbing my ass (or anyone else's), you bet your sweet bippy a smackdown will ensue.

I suspect, EJ, that you'd yell just as loud at a white, popped-collar law student as you would at some dude on a bike. And that's awesome.

And really, this post was effing hilarious. Well done!

Swift Horses said...

EJ, I love you. Because that is exactly how I would have reacted too.

Golden Silence said...

I put this post on Don't Be Silent.

Lindsay said...

Heh, don't you love this neighborhood? :) Great post.

BTW, nice mention in the express this morning

iron2y said...

Khann, you are an idiot and probably an illegal here to steal from the USA welfare system.

Jenny I

Khaan said...

Showing disrespect to an assailant as an individual is different than showing disrespect to his ethnic group. Not the same thing.

Khaan said...

Iron2y and Kimberly reflect the kind of mentality I was addressing. Thanks for more evidence. And thanks to EJ for her thoughful response. We differ a bit---I think after growing up encountering racism (soft and hard), and that persists to this day for all people of color, I can safely make some "race-based assumptions"---- on some small points, but I get your point. As for Kimberly and Iron2y, your statements don't warrant a response of substance.

EJ Takes Life said...

Okay guys, play nice-- no one gets to name-call in my comments section but me.

Khaan, I appreciate that you were trying to make a point about soft racism but this is not the forum for it. What happened to me was about power, not about sex or race or even how hot (very) my ass is. The whole reason why I wrote this post, and why I'm thrilled it's getting the attention that it's getting, is because that in assaulting me that guy tried to prove he was more powerful than me, that he could treat me as he wanted and there's nothing I could do about it.

And all of you have proved that that is not true. Because at the time I post this, over two thousand people have read about what he did. He may have skittered away, but you all have made sure that at some level, however intangible, his actions have been judged and found to be reprehensible.

Again, and I really should print this on a T-shirt: sexual assault is not about race, class, age, desire, horniness or sex. It is about power and control. So Khaan, you are free to think what you will, but know that this is something I am very much aware of and very attuned to and can firmly say that in this case, race played absolutely no role in my judgement.

Consider the race aspect of this comment thread closed. I will delete any further comments on it, pro or con. It is a distraction and takes away from my point that what happened is never, ever, ever in any way shape or form.

qtdiary said...

please post a pic of said ass

Jen said...

qtdiary, now THOSE are the kinds of comments we like to see here.

Reuben said...

in short, i am sorry this happened to you. really.... your being "fine" ( to use old school parlance) is no excuse for what transpired... im not sure there is a correlation between responsibility and riding a bike, but needless to say, that wasnt the point of your post...
hang in there..

123Valerie said...

EJ, gah, I am so jeluz. Were you wearing stripes at the time? I find them irresitable, too.

Oceans of Time said...

An infuriating experience beautifully told. Why is it never the lookers who try to ass-grab?!

gwadzilla said...

well scripted tale about your well sculpted tail!

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