Wednesday, April 19, 2006

celebrity baby smackdown!

I can think of no better way to mark one year of blogging at EJ Takes Life than to dedicate this post to little Suri Holmes Cruise. "Suri" is apparently a Persian name and is also taken from the ancient Hebrew saying "Suri-ously, this child is fucked."

In a truly fantastic turn of events, Brooke Shields and her husband also had a baby girl today. If we travel back in time to the gentle, 2005 days of Tom Cruise's descent into a PR cautionary tale, we will recall that he mistook "promoting a summer blockbuster" with "publicly advise Brooke Shields on how to treat postpartum depression with Centrum." Clearly, the universe is not without a sense of humor.

Fifteen years from now Suri Holmes Cruise will be diverted from the L. Ron Hubbard-approved path to Scientology Level MCIVXXXIILM or whatever the hell they call Heaven by the (equally unfortunately-named) Grier Hammond Henchy, who will lead her astray on down a road paved with Midol and Benadryl. A classic Hollywood tale of too much, too soon. From there it's only an ill-timed snort of nasal spray until they're photographed leaving the Chateau Marmont after a threeway with Moses Paltrow Martin.

Well, good luck, Joey Potter. You're gonna need it.

7 comments:

VP of Dior said...

ohh man what if brangelina pops one out soon? all those little tykes will be the most spoiled superhuman/dna superiors/alienoids evah!

Stef said...

I didn't know Brooke Shields had her baby, too! Yep, the universe has a great sense of humor.

Hey Pretty said...

I predict a shout out in the Express...!

I-66 said...

The race is on between this kid and the spawn of Britney for who ends up the most screwed up.

2 to 1 says its Suri.

Takers?

sparkles anonymous! said...

The road to hell is paved with antihistamines.

Libberash said...

Great minds think alike, eh?

Heather B. said...

also taken from the ancient Hebrew saying "Suri-ously, this child is fucked."

That is quite possibly the funniest line of the day and I may have to suggest this one to DC Blogs, because I'm pissing myself right now.