Friday, June 09, 2006

"we need a forklift at the embassy, stat!"

When one has to appear in public squeezed into a formal gown that belongs to someone with a much smaller waist and much bigger boobs than she (hi Kat!), a gown that is so lovely in one pose yet so unforgiving in others that she is considering asking the Israeli ambassador if he would mind it if we all eat dinner standing up, a gown that requires TWO pairs of Spanxx (irrelevant tangent-- what is the plural of Spanxx? Spankxxs? Spankxxx? Spankxxxxxxxxx? Curious)...

because when one has to do this, and when one has to do it in, oh, six hours, of COURSE she has Five Guys for lunch. For the second time in a week. This is the mind of genius here, friends. Flawless logic and reasoning all the way around.

At least I won't be getting too drunk tonight. After all this grease, it'd take a barrel of my cousin Kevin's moonshine to get me even remotely tipsy. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to hook up my melted butter IV drip and top this meal off with some deep-fried Twinkies.

5 comments:

Hey Pretty said...

You clearly don't read fashion mags. If you did you would know that the cream of New York society fasts for days before a gala event--subsisting mainly off of veggies and protein. Imagine how fast a flute of Veuve would go to your head in that situation?

ejtakeslife said...

I was actually thinking about writing something re: how all of the fashion mags I've read over the years have been no help to me at all I prepare for this! For once in my life I truly need to consider which updo works with my dress neckline, or how to take my makeup from day to night. I've spent HUNDREDS of hours reading these exact tips, and now that I actually need them I can't recall a single one. All the wasted time...

Of course, even if I remembered how to take my makeup from day to night, no one would ever mistake me for a member of good society.

I-66 said...

Great. Five Guys talk, and now I have to clean up this drool...

sparkles anonymous! said...

The same kind of thinking is what causes me to have three bowls of raisin nut bran before going out to gig. Because a bloated tummy looks REALLY good in a costume that shows off one's entire midriff.

Good luck!

Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

You are hilarious.

You also most post a pic.