Monday, July 17, 2006


My friend Adam, who was Phi Beta Kappa and currently in law school, genuinely believes that aliens built the pyramids. "There is no way that humans could have lifted all those stones!" he'll holler, usually after a few margaritas. "But they had pulleys," someone will inevitably respond, naively thinking that an appeal to reason and logic will work magic. Then he'll get really red-faced and cantankerous and start ranting that it's simply not feasible, that there is no way that even hundreds of people working together like ants could heave a single block into place, much less create giant pyramids over decades.

I once babysat for a little boy who knew, without a doubt, that the neighbor's dog was trying to kill him. This despite the fact that their most violent encounter involved an unprovoked licking of the face of one of the involved parties.

I know several people who insist that George W. Bush is the greatest president America has ever had.

Look, we all have our things. Many people adhere to a belief that is so irrational, so completely contrary to all logic that it somehow goes beyond a mere phobia or display of faith. Everyone has them. But I am the exception to the rule, because my crazy-sounding thing happens to be TRUE.

I give off a force field that destroys electronic equipment.

After a lifetime of damaged consumer goods, mysteriously deleted files and subpar performance by all mechanical goods designed to make my life easier, there is no other explanation left. Something that I emanate literally sucks the will to live from my electronics. In the last six years I have gone through two desktops, three laptops, seven iPods, two TiVos, two DirecTV units and one car with a damaged OBD II monitor, the latter of which no one can tell me why is so important or even what it DOES, but by Golly it IS important and listen missy, you will not drive that car until you get it fixed, even though we're not sure it's broken!


This latest rant was sparked when , after I finished a big chunk of my scary paper this Saturday, my hard drive suddenly decided it was tired of holding my papers and MP3 files and, with a violent "CLUNKetyCLUNKetyCLUNK" noise, went to that big scrapheap in the sky. Total system failure. New hard drive needs to be installed. All my photos, all my music... Phhhht, gone.

This has happened before, and so I do have a backup system. Everything-- and I mean everything-- was on my iPod. What's that? you ask. The iPod that is currently being held hostage by the warlords at Best Buy, who have wiped it so they can "repair" it?

The very same.

So you see?! I give off a force field that destroys electronic equipment! There is no other explanation for the sudden shitstorm of failure that is my apartment, littered with corpses of machines gone by.

Surprisingly, this is my "acceptance" stage of grief.


I-66 said...

Did you write seven ipods? It cannot have been a typo as you spelled out seven as opposed to using the number key...

Note to self: If EJ ever finds her way into my car, do not let her touch the nav.

sparkles anonymous! said...

What Sixty said.

Jeez, I'm afraid to let you into my house now. ;)

Anonymous said...

Dearest EJ:

Perhaps you should consider donating your body to science (or if that's too drastic, perhaps a few weekends going through a battery of tests at NIH).

There must be an explanation, and the answer could very well alter our understanding of reality as we know it.

If I were a Trekkie, I would likely find some connection between your mishaps and the space-time continuum. Perhaps you are actually a portal to other dimensions?

If I were a Taoist, I would find your chi to be as powerful as that of an emporer's army. And as a peace loving but patriotic Taoist, would arrange to send you to the CIA where they could distill, harness and refine what would become our ultimate secret weapon (and eventually end all wars on this planet as a result).

If I were a psychic, I would likely find your aura to be not of this world, and consider asking you to inquire of my dearly departed Aunt Irene whether it's one dollop or two of sourcream for her practically legendary rhubarb pie.

Just know that this can't possibly be random . . . time, I suppose, will tell. Looking forward to reading about it . . . .

Stillwaters 20007

ejtakeslife said...

In my defense, only six of the iPods were damamged or broken... one was stolen from an Amsterdam hostel during the Great Backpacking Crime Wave of 2005.

But on the upside, I've never destroyed anything belonging to a roommate or boyfriend, so maybe it's not contagious!