Thursday, August 24, 2006

working women cause of cancer, conflict in Lebanon, the unsatisfying amount of blowjobs in your life

Another day, another intentionally irksome article saying that educated, professional women are the reason everything in your life sucks.

Did we all agree to teleport back to 1954? Was I in a meeting when that memo was handed out?

Oh, wait, no, I was busy finishing a paper for grad school after working a twelve hour day and NOT VACUUMING MY CARPET, LO THE EVIL MAN-HATING HORROR OF IT ALL.

I'm particularly charmed by the development of this "point-counterpoint" format, which was slapped on yesterday after posted the initial "Don't Marry a Ho With a Life" article solo, without the forces of reason, logic and rationality to counterbalance the fucktardness of Michael Noer (who, BTW, is not around to repsond to the furor over said fucktardness because he's at a wedding. His next article "How To Salt Your Own Game; or, Why Not To Publish The Most Mysogynistic Article on the Internet Right Before Attending an Event Filled With Desperate Women and an Open Bar" is expected in next week's edition of Forbes Online).

My first instinct upon reading this article was to get all screamy and respond to every point-- "Of course women get less attractive over the years, they pop out your children! And why is it solely the woman's job to take care of the house? Maybe you could do a load of laundry, you lazy bastard--" but I quickly settled down and chuckled to myself. It's not so much the existence of guys like this that annoys me. We're pretty used to men who are threatened by girls who have their shit together and go after what we want. These guys are a pain but they generally reveal their true colors pretty quickly, allowing us to dispose of them with relative ease and a roll of the eyes. You don't need a PhD in psychology to see that men who think like this are freaked out because they know they can't live up to the increased responsibility (ie. you split the chores and it's not okay to fuck your assistant) that stems from an equal partnership. Guys with these kinds of expectations for marriage tend to partner up with really vapid women and learn very quickly that just because she picks up your socks and makes your dinner does not mean your marriage or life is happy. Ahhh... knowing that stupid, obnoxious people will end up miserable feels so good. It feels all warm in my stomach like a nice glass of single-malt scotch.

But Forbes, really. Is August that slow a news month that you feel the need to print this drivel? I'd rather hear all about the ex-child brides of JonBenet Ramsey's accused killer than read one more article on why working women are the cause of everything from child serial killers to stubborn bathroom mildew. Besides, you all have been trying to make us the scapegoat for the suckiness of life for sixty years now! If you have to keep trying this hard, it's time to give up and find something new. May I suggest bedbugs? They seem to be the Hot Scourge for the New Millennium.


Law-Rah said...

I absolutely adore every word of this post including the title! I tiny part of me wants to read the article, but I am going to refrain so as not to get angry that I am being blamed for "everything from child serial killers to stubborn bathroom mildew"


the good doctor said...


-Hurricane Katrina? Caused by there being more women than men in college.

-The recent airplane crash in the Ukraine? Caused by the continued upward mobility of women in corporate America.

-The senseless deaths of tens of thousands of innocent civilians in Iraq? Caused by wom… well actually, that one rests squarely on the Bush Administration.

Lillian said...

Awesomest. Post. Ever. This made me want to stand up and shout "Amen, sister soultrain!" and then re-read the post, just for the satisfaction of it. But then I realized that, in between causing Ebola, the staggering increase in child crime, and multiple cases of blue balls, I was really rather tired...

But seriously, excellent post!

Blackbeard said...

The time you spent writing this post would've been much better spent in the kitchen. baking a pie. for me. to eat.

Not saying, just saying.

Law-Rah said...

I dare you to say that to your significant other Blackbeard.

ejtakeslife said...

No, Law-Rah, he's totally right. I can already feel my ovaries shriveling with guilt.