Monday, September 11, 2006

catching up on my correspondence

Dear Guy I Went to College With Who Is Really Bad at Life and so We Ignore One Another Whenever We Happen To Be In The Same Place, Especially When There Is Alcohol Involved Because I Just Know That One Of These Days I'm Going To Drunkenly Call Him "PT Cruiser" To His Face,

Nice to not talk to you at Snow Patrol last night! I really dug how you spent the entire set squirting in drops in your eye. Granted, the smoke machine operator was somewhat over-enthusiastic, but seriously. Visine? That's like, the opposite of rock and roll. Why not just slap on some Dentu-Grip and call it a day?

Love, EJ

PS: You're still funny-looking. Normally I'd feel bad about telling the Internet, but you're also not a very nice person.

Dear Gary Lightbody,

So, how's about you and me have a lot of sex and then talk marriage and babies? How does that sound?

Thanks for smiling while playing your awesome set last night. I like it when my bands look like they're enjoying themselves onstage, as opposed to having bamboo stalks driven under their toenails. "Rock star" is a fun job, after all.

But really, you're hot. And you should know, I didn't think that "Chasing Cars" was that great until I saw you play it live last night, and am now pretty sure that last night was the only time I've ever been moved to tears at a concert.

I am so going to regret this entry in about two years when you've ascended to the Brandon Flowers Pantheon of Musicians Who Are Both Sellouts and Pretentious Jerks, but you know what? I love you. I don't care.

In lust,


Dear Ben Affleck,

Wow. I did not see that coming. You were amazing. Seriously, you gave a truly great performance in Hollywoodland. I think we may be ready to move past that whole Surviving Christmas debacle. You seem to have learned that getting thwacked on the head by James Gandolfini's snow shovel does not a decent motion picture make. I applaud your progress.

With renewed admiration,


Dear Every Single Newspaper, Movie Studio, Television News Program, Magazine, Online Magazine, Political Blog and Talking Head,

Of course we can Never Forget. You won't let us. You keep showing us planes running into the towers and FLOOD the TV with your "edited for dramatic license" re-enactments and movies of the week that no one wants to see because my God, people, we are doing exactly what you told us we should be doing and getting on with our lives.

Here's what. Today is a big deal because it happens to be five years after 9/11. That is it. No more, no less. So could you please stop coordinating your commercials for the new fall series around 8:46 AM or promoting your films that aren't technically insensitive war-profiteering because they just show the shadow of the plane, not the actual plane, and therefore it's artistic interpretation, to coincide with the morning newscasts, so that I can get up and shower and drink a cup of coffee without seeing your artistic interpretations of mass murder?

Yours in frustration,


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