"Okay, I'm at the cawhfee shawhp.. what should I get?"
I look behind me at the teeny brunette in the black Northface jacket who has just barged into line behind me, yammering on her silver Razr all the while.
You have got to be kidding me.
"No, I'm eating breakfast. So, what should I order? Like, am I hungry or should I just get a drink?"
I am instantly reminded of Michael Caine's best line in Austin Powers in Goldmember: "There are only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch." Swap "Dutch" for "really Jappy girls from Nassau County" and I might have found my epitaph.
"So, like, should I get fruit? Or like, tea? Or is cawhfee better than tea?"
Oh, she is so lucky she is not in front of me. Seriously, I would yank her Japanese thermal-straightened hair right out of her head and stuff it down her throat just so I wouldn't have to hear that whiny, nasal voice.
"So like, what I should I get? I'm gonna be, like, late for class."
It's as I feared-- she's a college student. She could pass for a visiting high school student who is scared and overwhelmed and needs a little hand-holding, but no, she is a college student calling someone and asking them if she is hungry and if so, what she should eat. I weep for the youth of America.
"Are frappucinos the fatty ones? Am I getting fat?"
If she takes a cameraphone picture of herself and sends it to this person for pre-drink-order analysis, so help me, I am not responsible for my actions.
"Okay, so, like, I gotta go, cuz I'm like in the shawhp and like, I'm gonna order soon."
Maybe she's some kind of sex worker in a dom-sub situation, Ã la Maggie Gyllenhaal's character in Secretary. Is it wrong that I'm so much more okay with that than with a college student who has to call her mother from several states away for permission to order a latte?