Tuesday, December 05, 2006

cawhfee tawhk

"Okay, I'm at the cawhfee shawhp.. what should I get?"

I look behind me at the teeny brunette in the black Northface jacket who has just barged into line behind me, yammering on her silver Razr all the while.

You have got to be kidding me.

"No, I'm eating breakfast. So, what should I order? Like, am I hungry or should I just get a drink?"

I am instantly reminded of Michael Caine's best line in Austin Powers in Goldmember: "There are only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch." Swap "Dutch" for "really Jappy girls from Nassau County" and I might have found my epitaph.

"So, like, should I get fruit? Or like, tea? Or is cawhfee better than tea?"

Oh, she is so lucky she is not in front of me. Seriously, I would yank her Japanese thermal-straightened hair right out of her head and stuff it down her throat just so I wouldn't have to hear that whiny, nasal voice.

"So like, what I should I get? I'm gonna be, like, late for class."

It's as I feared-- she's a college student. She could pass for a visiting high school student who is scared and overwhelmed and needs a little hand-holding, but no, she is a college student calling someone and asking them if she is hungry and if so, what she should eat. I weep for the youth of America.

"Are frappucinos the fatty ones? Am I getting fat?"

If she takes a cameraphone picture of herself and sends it to this person for pre-drink-order analysis, so help me, I am not responsible for my actions.

"Okay, so, like, I gotta go, cuz I'm like in the shawhp and like, I'm gonna order soon."

Maybe she's some kind of sex worker in a dom-sub situation, Ã la Maggie Gyllenhaal's character in Secretary. Is it wrong that I'm so much more okay with that than with a college student who has to call her mother from several states away for permission to order a latte?


KassyK said...

Oh this post is beautiful. Growing up in one of the jappiest towns on the East Coast I feel this more than you know.



sparkles anonymous! said...

That's just bizarre.


I-66 said...

Now I'm verklempt.

Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic...

Law-Rah said...

Oh man, she HAD to be on GW's campus. I went to the J street Quizno's the other day and almost lost my shit at the girl in front of me. As if the visual assault of her pink velour jumpsuit and FUR vest was not enough. She says to the lady "um, did you already put the sauce on the sandwich because I like can't see it. Could you put more. Like, how much fat is in it anyway. Maybe I don't want the sauce."

I freaking HATE GW undergrads. 'Specially during my exams.

Anonymous said...

That girl sounds awkward and off ("awf").

Anonymous said...

I would have pummled her with coffee stirrer sticks

Lillian said...

Oh. My. Gawd. I had to spend a year sharing a building with these creatures when I was in Israel. I wanted to die. On multiple occasions, came thisclose to straight throwing coffee in their faces (usually after they'd become indignant when an employee with a high school education didn't speak English well enough to understand "skim milk.") I feel your pain, and give you big props for your self-control!

Oceans of Time said...

This is such a cool blog. What's not cool is people like this girl who are put on this earth simply to grate on others' souls.