Tuesday, December 19, 2006

of horndogs and poltergeists

It's Christmas, I just paid my AmEx bill, and I'm broke. So imagine my consternation when I open my DirecTV bill and found it to be almost three times the usual amount.

"But why?" I wonder. "DirecTV doesn't pay-per-view The Office or reruns of Scrubs on Comedy Central, and that's pretty much all I watch these days."

Further inspecting the statement, I find an impressive listing of charges labeled "Adult PPV" for the weekend I was in New York. This means one of two things:

1) The ghost who lives in my apartment took advantage of my absence and had a little Me Time (more on this ghost later)
2) My very polite and lovely Republican Hill staffer upstairs neighbor, with whom I share the account, had herself a little Me Time and I would have to ask her about the charges.

You know, there is just no good way to say "Hey, did you watch a lot of porn between December 9th and the 12th? Because if so, you owe me $104.79."

Of course I did ask (cringing all the way; I emailed her, since email is the coward's phone), and it turns out she had some "friends" staying at her house that weekend who spent their vacation in Washington watching pay-per-view porn instead of visiting the National Gallery or eating at Old Ebbit. In any case, she's paying me back, so that's nice.

But NOW I feel like I can't ask her what I really want to know, which is: "have you also heard that freaky tapping in the walls when you turn off your light in your bedroom? Because I'm seriously pretty sure I have a ghost, and would you maybe want to go in on an exorcist?" Seriously, I was up until 2 AM last night and the tapping. Will. Not. Stop. Every time I start to fall asleep I hear another *tap,* and it sends a jolt of adrenaline through my veins so potent it might as well be speed steeped in espresso.

But I feel like porn and ghosts all in one week would be too much for someone as sweet as she is, and she would start telling stories about that crazy girl who lives in the basement and spends her weekends performing seances and accusing her innocent neighbors of being perverts.

I mean, I'm curious about the ghost thing. But not curious enough that I'll risk coming off as some crazy lady. Y'know, because living alone with a cat never gives that impression.

13 comments:

I-66 said...

I don't know anything about paying for it on DirecTV, and when I was a teenager we got Spice for free at my house, but how much does one have to watch to run up a bill of over $100? I'm brimming with questions about this.

Lindsay said...

Yeah, I'm wondering the same thing... How many movies do you get for $100? Like 10? That's quite a bit of porn. And even better, does the bill list the names of the movies?

S said...

please, please tell us the bill lists the names of the movies. please.

ejtakeslife said...

It doesn't. I was so incredibly sad when I realized this.

And it takes seven pornos plus phone fees to cost that much money. In case you were trying to budget for the rest of December, friends : )

TTQ said...

What was she doing while they were watching? Was it like a POrn Party or something? Things that make youw onder about who you are living next to.

I-66 said...

Soooo that's about $14.00 per movie? Probably $13.99? Hell, you can get better rates than that subscribing to...


...perhaps I've said too much.

Brunch Bird said...

If you live in an old building, the tapping could be the heat coming through the pipes. It happens in our place. Or it could be a porn-watching ghost.

Anonymous said...

I don't know how much that stuff costs, but jesus! That seems like either a lot of porn, or God Damn if it isn't expensive!

Glad you're able to recover the funds.

and 's', that's funny! LOL!

Awkward said...

Seriously, she's having porn parties, and you think you'll look crazy asking about a tapping noise?

Ryane said...

haha. I agree with Awkward--ask her. Your neighbor is the one who had friends over $100 on porn!! You are not the weird one!!!

I think there is a ghost in my house. She seems to dislike coffee. You might try leaving an offering--vodka, maybe? Or perhaps leave a note, telling the ghost that the action is really upstairs...?? ;-)

Lindsay said...

nice mention in the express this morning!

Hey Pretty said...

I have a ghost too. It drinks all my wine, eats my food and makes my room really messy. Oh no, wait. That's just me. Never mind.

Snaps to you and your mention in the Express (on-line and Blog Log!)

Anonymous said...

It seems like homes with ghosts should get porn for free. Try making that case with DirecTV.