Monday, July 25, 2005

We got more bounce in California than all y'all combined

I am so in love with Laguna Beach, it is not even funny.

Generally speaking, I would rather slice my eyeballs with thousands of tiny papercuts than actually watch a reality TV program containing characters filmed after 2002 (I include this exception to allow for Real World/Road Rules Challenge, truly the best show involving goat testes, threesomes and bungee jumping).

American Idol? Annoying and played out. Any show involving a psychotic boss and/or colleagues? Lived it; don't need to watch it. Season 157,938 of The Real World? So. Fucking. Formulaic. "Ooh, what a great house!" "Ooh, gay/black/Hispanic/Midwestern people are weird!" "Ooh, I love my boyfriend but I need my space while I'm here!" "Ooh, my roommates are insane!" "Ooh, I'm growing so much as a person!" "Ooh, I can't believe it's time to go home when I just realized how much work I have to do to continue to grow as a person!" I'd like to see Bunim-Murray tell the kiddies they're going to live in Jamaica, only to pull an eleventh-hour switcheroo and dump them in Detroit. That, my friends, would be some quality TV.

Laguna Beach, however, is in a whole different category. For all of us who clung to the lower rungs of popularity in high school (and since this is a DC-based blog, I assume that's all of my readers), it's the entree into the minds of the most popular kids in school. Only the best part is, the ugliest cast member on Laguna Beach (*cough Morgan! cough*) would have eaten the popular girls at my high school for breakfast, if they weren't so damn high in carbs. Seriously, the uniform for the popular girls at Pioneer High circa 1998 was a charmingly weathered University of Michigan sweatshirt, a hair ribbon with your particular sport (lacrosse, field hockey or swimming) on it in puffy paint and Mavi jeans so flared they obscured your sneaker-clad feet. Can you picture Lo wearing anything involving puffy paint? Girlfriend probably had an Louis Vuitton diaper cover.

These kids are fantastic. They're all insanely good-looking and rich, with no flaws except a propensity for indiscriminately fucking one another. Though critics of the show accuse them of being dumb and shallow, they're actually pretty efficient and smart. They've all seen enough of the non-Laguna world to know it sucks and is filled with tedium and drudgery, and so have wisely chosen to ignore it. Hell, they'll never have to live in it, so who gives a damn?

This is why I'm actually a little apprehensive for this season. LC is apparently failing to take San Francisco by storm, and appears - gasp! - a little beaten down by life. This is not how it works in "The Real O.C." LC and Kristin perpetually spar over Stephen (who, ladies, is really not that great a catch) (but then neither is that sleazebucket Talan), make bitchy comments behind each other's backs and flip their hair. That is the show. None of this "I'm not sure I'm in the right career field" or "I feel lonely and insecure" crap. Still, Kristin is narrating this time around, and I can't wait. She's the best. I love that she got the guy even though LC is hotter. Besides, she has actual smiles and facial expressions-- who cares if she's kinda whiny as long as she doesn't have that Cheerleader of the Damned thing LC and Lo so fetchingly sport?

Please guys, we need our escape. Just live your flawless lives, shot on beautiful filmstock, and for the love of Bunim-Murray, don't ever add a confessional.

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