*ping!*

I'm not that judgmental a per--

BAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

I'm sorry. I couldn't even finish typing that sentence without laughing. It's just so blatantly not true. Of all the not true things that ever were, are or will be, this is the most untrue of them all. It is the Triple Crown, the Olympic Gold Medal, the first moon landing of falsehoods.

I'm well aware that it's not my best feature, but damnit, it's fun. Every New Year I vow to try to be more open-minded of other people's choices of words, clothing, beverages, significant others, etc. etc. But then someone orders a Sex on the Beach, or uses the phrase "grow as a person" or cuts me off on 395 while sporting a license plate reading "VA QTEE" and *Ping!*-- a little barb, unintended but totally warranted pops in my head, and all thoughts of trying to be a better, more easygoing soul just are pushed out by the URGE TO JUDGE.

An expert in judgment, such as myself, can also take things to the next level and judge others FOR being judgmental and then contradicting themselves. To avoid being hypocritical yourself, it's generally best to have defined and constant categories for judging the judgers. For example, I judge anyone who is anti-choice but pro-death penalty. *Ping!* People who claim to be open-minded but use "gay" as a pejorative adjective ("Dude, she made you watch Ghost? That's so gay!") *Ping!"

I also judge people for judging others' taste in music. I have to work a little harder at this one, as I myself am often tempted to issue an edict on the taste of others. But generally I feel that music is such a fluid and ever-changing world that one has to be overly invested in so they can keep up with what's up and coming. Three years ago Death Cab for Cutie was a hot rising indie act, now a lot of people consider them to be overexposed and cliched. Yet the music hasn't changed a bit (except for "Someday You Will Be Loved" from Plans and do NOT get me started on how much I hate the lyrics of that song, God! they are so condescending and if a guy ever left me a note saying "someday you will be loved" after a one-night stand I would hunt him down and remove his testicles with a garlic press). I don't have a lot of patience with people who claim to like a style or a group, and then lose interest as soon as people who don't read Pitchfork twelve times a day discover it. It's snobbish and all about the image. The composition of the buying public doesn't change what's on the record, and that's all you should care about. Listen to what you like, and the hell with everyone else.

So I judge those who judge music. And I judge those who say one thing and then contradict themselves. All this is by way of telling you that when I burned all the songs from my sister's iPod over Christmas, I didn't know exactly what I was getting and that while I was walking to work this morning listening on shuffle, up popped an all-male, all-freshman a capella group's arrangement of John Mayer's opus "Love Song for No One" and the first thing that popped in my mind was "Dude, this is the GAYEST THING EVER."

*Ping!*

Crap.