Monday, November 27, 2006

whatevering whatevers

We all know that online friendship networks-- your Friendster, your MySpace, your Facebook-- are rife with land mines. Besides the obvious time-wasting factor when I'm on one, I inevitably see someone I used to despise in high school/hook up with/engage in emotionally destructive behavior with looking incredibly happy and fulfilled, usually accompanied by someone far more attractive than myself. The always-brilliant Hey Pretty wrote about the pitfalls of seeing an ex-whatever on MySpace, and I generally agree with her that such online encounters usually leave me feeling worse than when I began procrastinating.

(And for the record, I don't have a MySpace page. I figure that Rupert Murdoch owns enough of the world without staking a claim to a portion of my identity, however virtual.)

But during lunch today, I happened to be playing around on an online friendship network and came across photos of an ex-whatever looking... not so good. Specifically, he's gotten really, really tubby. Like, man-pregnant tubby. He still has a shit-eating grin, but the enormity of his belly, swathed in a massive untucked pastel polo shirt, suggests that he has been eating a whole lot else over the last several years.

Now, I perpetually struggle with a stubborn ten pounds that refuses to get off my body, and find fat jokes to be really unhelpful and offensive. However, I don't particularly mind telling the Internet that this guy is packing it on because this particular ex-whatever

1) was by FAR the best-looking person I ever whatevered with, an NCAA athlete who took enormous pride in both his incredibly chiseled body and his Abercrombie-model face,

2) in everything he did, fulfilled every negative stereotype about frat boys, including his proud ownership and frequent wearing of a t-shirt reading "Freshman Girls: Get 'em While They're Skinny,"

3) dumped me in an incredibly cold-hearted fashion that involved him sleeping with his ex-girlfriend while we were still together and then suggesting that we didn't work because I gave it up too soon.

Oh yeah. You can bet I am cackling my still-toned ass off right about now.


Lillian said...

Oh, how I LOVE those moments! They make you feel so vindicated, which is always awesome.

I, for one, found out that the girl who made my life hell in junior high and high school is now a correctional officer at a womens' prison in rural Kansas. (Short of being an inmate at said prison, I can't imagine a worse fate.) I'm still laughing, and I heard about this, oh, 5 months ago. :) Enjoy the victory, and cackle at will!

Anonymous said...

Good! That bastard. Enjoy the moment! :)

sparkles anonymous! said...

Ah, I made a similar, very fulfilling discovery on MySpace about four months ago. Sweet, indeed.

Anonymous said...

you should start selling t-shirts that say, "NCAA Athletes: Get 'Em While Their Still Toned and Fit"

Anonymous said...

It's times like those that make myspacing or whatever worth it!!