We all know that online friendship networks-- your Friendster, your MySpace, your Facebook-- are rife with land mines. Besides the obvious time-wasting factor when I'm on one, I inevitably see someone I used to despise in high school/hook up with/engage in emotionally destructive behavior with looking incredibly happy and fulfilled, usually accompanied by someone far more attractive than myself. The always-brilliant Hey Pretty wrote about the pitfalls of seeing an ex-whatever on MySpace, and I generally agree with her that such online encounters usually leave me feeling worse than when I began procrastinating.
(And for the record, I don't have a MySpace page. I figure that Rupert Murdoch owns enough of the world without staking a claim to a portion of my identity, however virtual.)
But during lunch today, I happened to be playing around on an online friendship network and came across photos of an ex-whatever looking... not so good. Specifically, he's gotten really, really tubby. Like, man-pregnant tubby. He still has a shit-eating grin, but the enormity of his belly, swathed in a massive untucked pastel polo shirt, suggests that he has been eating a whole lot else over the last several years.
Now, I perpetually struggle with a stubborn ten pounds that refuses to get off my body, and find fat jokes to be really unhelpful and offensive. However, I don't particularly mind telling the Internet that this guy is packing it on because this particular ex-whatever
1) was by FAR the best-looking person I ever whatevered with, an NCAA athlete who took enormous pride in both his incredibly chiseled body and his Abercrombie-model face,
2) in everything he did, fulfilled every negative stereotype about frat boys, including his proud ownership and frequent wearing of a t-shirt reading "Freshman Girls: Get 'em While They're Skinny,"
3) dumped me in an incredibly cold-hearted fashion that involved him sleeping with his ex-girlfriend while we were still together and then suggesting that we didn't work because I gave it up too soon.
Oh yeah. You can bet I am cackling my still-toned ass off right about now.