Wednesday, June 27, 2007

cranky mcbitchface goes jogging

As predicted... awkward email in my inbox this morning from the latest Disappearing Act. Man, do I know how to pick 'em and call 'em.

I hope you'll forgive my bad mood. It's 8:45 am as I type this and I've already been awake for three hours. "Why?" you ask, because you are a smart person and are very confused by the World Champion of Sleeping In, Hater of All Things Early, voluntarily waking up at such an ungodly hour.

Because I was running. At 6 am, I was running to beat the heat. This is the second day in a row I've done my early morning runs and I've not yet trained myself to go to bed corresponding early. So right now I'm operating on my second day of five hours' sleep. You'll forgive me if I'm Cranky McBitchface today.

You see, a while ago I got a bunch of pictures back from the first round of summer parties and weddings, and also recently spent a Sunday tubing on the Potomac with some of the most beautiful, skinny and brilliant people in Washington. Ergo, I am not feeling so great about my looks these days. I can't do much about my propensity for Paris Hilton wonk-eye in photos, but the extra layer of winter padding around my thighs? My Buddha belly, which is moving from kind of endearing to kind of "not making me able to wear my favorite jeans?" Yup, I can do something about that.

I let my gym membership lapse because I hate waiting for the treadmill with 18 year olds in full makeup and booty shorts and since then my workout routine has actually improved. In normal weather I run once or twice a week in the evenings, lift weights and do crunches while watching bad TV and, most importantly, don industrial strength Spanxx. However, the arrival of summer in the fetid swamp that is our nation's capital makes the first and the last of these things extremely difficult. I don't do well in heat. I mean, I really don't do well in heat. I break out in hives if I'm in the sun for more than an hour, my face gets bright red and stays that way long after I've moved indoors, and I glow in a most un-ladylike manner.

So I've started taking hip hop dance classes, which have helped my endurance a lot and are a lot more fun of a workout than jogging down 16th Street (sadly, they haven't helped my moves. Despite my teacher's best efforts, I remain a very, very Caucasian dancer). At ten bucks a lesson and all in the evenings, though, I need to find something else, and that something else has become early morning running.

This morning as I gasped uphill past Meridian Hill Park, an unpleasant thought entered my head. "You'd probably have to run less," something whispered "if you gave up your morning cake donut with your coffee. That thing has 12 grams of fat in it."

Of course, I chuckled to myself and picked up the pace. No way that is going to happen any time soon. After all, Cranky McBitchface needs her carbs.

11 comments:

I-66 said...

Wonk-eye? Just be glad you don't look like a praying mantis. Because, let's face it, the fact that the words Paris and Mantis mare very similar? Not coincidence.

Ryane said...

HAHA. Cranky McBitchface. that is EXactly who I would be if I tried to run at 6am. I can't...just cannot run in the mornings. I've tried. I've tried in good weather, in bad weather..everything in between. Now I just wait for a treadmill.

123Valerie said...

It's interesting, my dear. I think of you as having a body type that I aspire to!

Us womenfolk are so weird. I frequently as A.J. of other women, "Does my body look like hers?"

He's very honest, so it's always interesting to see when my perceptions match up with the realites.

In any case, you are in good company. There's only 10 pounds standing between me and a nude beach.

Kristin said...

But you're so beautiful, Cranky McBitchface.

Flenker said...

One time when I was in DC last summer, it was miserably hot and muggy, even after the torrential downpour. (This was over the 4th of July.) My trip in January was rather nice, but I fear my upcoming visit in August will be back to the hot hot heat.

Jo said...

Ugh. Running outside just scares me. I sweat enough on a treadmill, I can't imagine running in DC humidity... 6am or not.

Hey Pretty said...

Be grateful you have all that tall, statuesque height to spread your excess fat over. If you had excess fat, that is. Which you don't. Regardless, you are my hero for rallying so early in the morning. My morning consisted of waking up to a stabbing pain behind my eye and hitting snooze 50 times.

Mr. Anthrope said...

Wait a minute here - I've seen you mighty close to a gym a couple o' times. Tell me that isn't where you're finding the girls in makeup. When I work out there, there certainly isn't anyone looking to pick someone up (well, girls anyway). If girls are going there to find a guy, they'd have better luck finding a liberal in the Vice President's office...

Lauren said...

Hey, I've been looking for someone who will drag me out of bed to go running at 6 am! Do you live in the A-Mo/Dupont area? Do you typically stick to a 9-10 minute mile pace? Do you even have any desire for a running buddy?

Nothing like another lanky, cranky, cake-loving mcmorninghater to turn an otherwise loathsome a.m. workout into a disciplined, confidence-boosting funapalooza.

EJ Takes Life said...

Lauren, I'm in Mt. Pleasant and usually go for more like the 11-12 minute mile (*shame*) especially in this humidity and heat!

Lauren said...

Damn. The distance between us poses a slight logistical problem. As for the pace, though, don't sweat it (forchrissakes, it's sweaty enough already!)-- I only said 9-10 minutes to give myself some runner's cred. Depending on my energy level (i.e. totally cracked out --> near-comatose lethargic), I could do anything from 7-13 minutes/mile. I'm more comfortable in double-digits, though. Especially at 6 am. Holler if you think of a good place to meet up.