Monday, October 02, 2006

not enough

He said he might want to come back, but wasn't sure.

He said he didn't think he would hurt me again, but couldn't promise that he wouldn't.

He said it was perfect right now, and I buried my head in that familiar spot on his shoulder and nodded. For that moment on my couch, both of us slightly tipsy on cheap Chianti and possibility, with no one else-- no friends rolling their eyes, no parents drawing deep breaths, no expectations beyond the night, beyond the moment-- yes, it was perfect.

And when I hand you my heart, would you like the silver platter to be plain or filigreed?

If only it could have started now. If only he hadn't already broken my heart once, I might give it to him. If only I hadn't spent the last year telling everyone how much I hated his guts while watching him be happy with other girls. If only it could just be him and me then maybe it could be something.

Maybe it even could have been Something. You know, That Thing. That Thing that twenty-something girls in urban centers don't talk about because we're supposed to be chill and fun and enjoy being slightly slutty and watching football and not get all commitment-crazy because, like, ew, commitment. We're not, like, old.

I don't know if it was that, or could have been. But I can't think about what could be when there's already too much what was.

I told him it wasn't going to happen. That I couldn't be sure of him and I couldn't make the leap. When I talked to X about it, she tooted "Never trust a dumper!" Blunt, but good advice nonetheless.

It's miserable to turn down something that makes me happy now because there is a chance that it will hurt me in the future. At this age, I'm not supposed to be so cautious and thinking about the future. And if it was anyone else making me feel this way, I'd be over the moon and annoying everyone I came across with bragging about how happy I was.

Maybe if he'd said "I promise not to mess it up this time" Maybe if he'd made declarative statements for once, if he'd said "this is what I want" instead of mumbling "I don't knoooow." To be fair, I didn't know either. But his not knowing told me all I needed to know.

If he'd asked, maybe. But suggesting... suggesting is not enough. I only get one of these heart things in a lifetime, and in the end, I'm the only one around to protect it.

So, no.

9 comments:

sparkles anonymous! said...

Smart.

Smart.

But oh, that aches.

I-66 said...

I'm with Sparkles. It some hurt now is better than a lot more later.

Law-Rah said...

VERY SMART. No matter how good it feels, we all know how it would turn out...'cause we have all been there. Heed the red flags!

Hammer said...

I'm going to have to counterpoint this one, even though I'm sure there's tons of relevant info I'm missing here. You see, boys are dumb. We do dumb things, especially in our 20's. Things that are sometimes even inconsiderate and hurtful, even though that's not the intent.

But most of us wise up and realize we've made mistakes. Second chances can, in fact, be pretty damn great after we've pulled our head out of our butts.

Going through life trying to avoid hurt is a sad and sheltered way to live. As a wise man once said, "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

Hearts hurt, but they also heal. And over time, they get bigger and stronger. Capable of things that you're just going to have to take my word for right now.

Now if you'll excuse me, I got some Photoshopping to do...

reluctant dater said...

i should probably take this [excellent] post as advice...you are brave!

sparkles anonymous! said...

Hammerman makes some good points. I can tell you that I've been foolhardy and reckless in the past with love, and I wouldn't change any of it.

However, if your instincts are telling you that it's not right, and you know in your heart that it's not enough - take heed. The only things I regret in life are the things I've done after overriding my gut feeling.

ejtakeslife said...

Hammers, you are indeed a wise man (and a Photoshop wizard).

"Second chances can, in fact, be pretty damn great after we've pulled our head out of our butts."

Trouble is, his head isn't all the way out yet.

I just read that, and... ew. But you know what I mean.

Hey Pretty said...

Ouch.

Sorry, girlie.

S said...

the way i see it, there were two options here ....

a. you proceed as he wanted, with no assurances that he wasn't going to redump you thursday or even that anything changed from before, or

b. you proceed as you wanted - a prerequisite that he examine his intentions.

good for you, being selfish. if he wasn't putting your needs first this time, what's to say this wouldn't be the pattern (again?) in a new relationship? i think this logic applies to last thursday too ...